Being told “you are the one that chose to have children with this man” is re-victimizing the victim. If you have said this to someone unknowingly, your ignorance about abuser dynamics is forgiven. Your kindness and compassion is requested. Your understanding and support invaluable.
If someone said this to you, this is what you want them to know. First, you did not choose to have children with the man he became. You chose to have children with the image he presented to charm, convince, con, and cunningly connive you into thinking that he was someone he was not. He hid the abusive part of himself until he could capture you and take you hostage. You were “terrorized into silence”. Once he drew you into his web, you had to crawl and fight your way out.
It was difficult because he has two sides. The side he showed to everyone outside your marriage/relationship and the side he showed to you and your children. He used many tactics to keep you hostage. The same tactics hostage takers use with prisoners of war. These tactics are explained best with Biderman’s studies on prisoners of war.
What most friends, family members, and even professionals untrained in dynamics of abusers don’t understand is the cycle the abuser uses with their tactics to keep you hostage. Abusers start out relationships with charm that convinces their target (victim) that they are the most wonderful person you could ever hope to meet. They smother you with compliments, gifts, and exceptional courting behaviors. Their goal is to lure you into their web. They ask you all about yourself and show they are fully engaged and interested in what you like and your interests.
You’re swept off your feet. Underlying all his charm and courting behavior, he is motivated to learn all your vulnerabilities. Be wary because he will use all this information to gain power and control over you. You are so flattered by his interest in you, you fail to realize you know nothing about him. You are the focus of every moment together.
Once the abuser has manipulated you into this position, he proclaims his undying love for you. You are the soulmate he searched for and he cannot live without you. He asked you to commit to an exclusive relationship with him. What he doesn’t tell you is exclusivity means anyone in your family or social circle must be excluded. Watch out – he is about to cast his net over you and take you hostage.
All your time and energy must be devoted to him. You are told there is no time for family and friends. He now OWNS you. He monopolizes your attention and you are fully his possession.
You’re probably wondering why he thinks he can possess you. For him, it is simply your commitment being interpreted as your agreement to be possessed by him. Now that he OWNS you, he uses all the information you gave him about yourself against you. Your doubts, insecurities, and vulnerabilities are his exclusive right to exploit. He feels entitled to do this so he can mold you into the image he wants you to be. You are never seen as an adult equal to him. You are less than and must be verbally, emotionally, and if necessary physically coerced to submit to him.
If he wants you sexually, you are his property to treat any way he chooses.
If he wants you submissive at a deeper level, he increases his demands on your time, energy, and emotions through the use of threats and intimidation.
If he rewards you, it is his way of keeping you tied to him. His rewards are motivated by his desire to gain greater power and control over you.
If he wants to prove his manhood, you must get pregnant and produce HIS children for him. You are nothing more than a reproduction machine to him to show how virile he is to the outside world.
If you try to protect your children from his angry outbursts, his cold, calculating and hurtful comments, remarks, and discounting you as a human being, he accuses you of being too sensitive. Then, he further terrorizes you by blaming you for how he treats you.
He professes his omnipotence and entitlement by letting you know how stupid and unintelligent you are.
If you threaten to leave him, he tells you he will take the kids and you will never see them again. He lets you know he can prove to Child Protective Services how you neglected the children, sat on the couch watching TV all day, and that you are crazy. He willingly lies to professionals and people in authority to get what he wants.
When you finally gain the strength to crawl out of his web, no one believes the cruelty and danger you lived through. They are unwilling to help you regain your emotional center. Helping you fight to protect your children from further harm is not their problem. You are re-victimized by the very people you expect to believe you and help you.
Doubts and second guessing your decision to leave fill your thoughts. You may even find yourself charmed back into the relationship with him. Many women who have gone back find his control even more oppressive. Getting out again can be even more difficult.
Let the experiences of abused women and mothers who have gone back and left again be the beacon of hope that keeps you moving forward with determination and resolve to never become entangled with an abuser again.
Go to well-informed professionals to heal from the trauma of the relationship. Learn how to set healthy boundaries and identify the red flags of abusers to remain free of entrapment.
You deserve a life of peace, serenity, and well-being. Your children deserve a life where they recover from the influence of an abusive parent. Stop the cycle and help your children do the same.
Peacefully yours,
Dr. Debra
P.S. Gain a clearer understanding of the abusers tactics to coercively control you in the book “Eyes Wide Open: Help! with Control Freak Co-Parents” written especially for you.
P.P.S. Share the book with family and friends so they gain an understanding of what life with an abuser/hostage taker is like.