How do abusive dads get custody of their children? This is the first key question to ask in this crucial issue. A second key question is why do judges and court personnel involved ignore the pleas of protective moms? Does it ever occur in reverse? Are their protective dads? Of course, some dads are the more protective parent. However, it is important to focus on why 40 to 70% of high conflict custody cases result in the abusive father gaining custody of the children.
Abusive fathers present as confident and cool under stress. Protective moms appear stressed-out and emotional in the courtroom. Why is this problematic? Judges and court personnel are trained to have a very structured, factual, and passive demeanor in the courtroom. They expect the men and women who present themselves in front of them to have the same demeanor.
Since the court system is highly regulated to move people quickly through the process, they expect to hear facts backed up by physical and verbal evidence. They use the snapshot they receive of the issues and the parties involved to make quick decisions based on experience and prior judicial precedents. They don’t have time for or want to handle emotional outbursts. That behavior is reserved for therapist’s offices.
By the time litigants appear before the judge, they should be clear about what they want if they cannot mediate an agreement. The judge is charged with coolly and competently making a decision based on facts.
In fact, the Family Relations Courts have added a layer in their process to allow for mediated agreements around child custody. These agreements, if they occur, are written up and the judge signs off, sometimes never seeing the litigants. This leaves the judge to handle high conflict cases that provide an unbalanced view of custody cases. Therefore, it is important for protective moms to be prepared for their appearance before the judge.
They should dress appropriately — as if for a professional job interview, have their facts organized, and be able to tell their story in a reasonable tone of voice showing care and concern for their child(ren). They must have a stable employment situation or income source to provide for their children, a secure, safe home environment, and demonstrate the level of care they provided for their child or children prior to the custody dispute. This provides the best chance for them being granted custody of their child or children.
There are many resources online for protective moms. They are helpful in providing information on how to formulate the best strategy for obtaining custody of your children.
More on protective moms in mediation next time.