The Leopard Who Constantly Changes His Spots—Emotional Abuse

“How do you explain to someone who has not experienced emotional abuse what happens in your relationship? This was the question one protective mother asked me after expressing her frustration that her attorney did not understand what she was saying when she told him she was emotionally abused in her relationship. Here’s where her communication was unclear and what the attorney failed to ask to clarify what she was saying. She lumped all the abuse she experienced in her relationship under the label “emotional abuse” because she did not realize the abuse she experienced also involved other kinds of coercive control.

“Her attorney interpreted what she was saying through his limited understanding of abuse and boiled it down to “he yelled” at her a few times and maybe “called her names” a couple of times. And, there were a couple of times he “threatened to kill her” if she left. Because her attorney viewed the abuse as a few isolated incidents and failed to recognize the abuse as a pervasive pattern in the relationship, he dismissed her concerns as not important to parenting time decisions.

“Using Emotional Abuse is any kind of abuse that attacks the other person without physical contact. Emotional abuse involves anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics, such as repeated disapproval or the refusal to be pleased about anything about the other person. It is a constant wearing down of self-esteem, self-confidence, sense of self-worth, or sense of identity. While there is no physical contact, there is still the sense of being hit internally. This may be a feeling of heartache, stomachache, or even feeling beaten down. Emotional abuse attacks the person through all of their senses.”

One tool that is very useful for survivors of coercive control is an assessment checklist that includes frequency ratings. For each type of coercive control discussed in “Eyes Wide Open: Help! with Control Freak Co-parents”, there is an in-depth checklist. The checklist allows you or the survivor to identify specific behaviors their partner or ex used related to the type of coercive control.

Now, let’s look at a few examples from the assessment of Emotional Abuse. When the assessment is completed, you will look at how frequently the abuse occurred and the severity. For example, how often did their ex do the following: “Your ex called you names, yelled at you, and/or refused to listen to anything you wanted to say.” If this happened daily, weekly, or more than once a month, you would start to identify this as a pattern of coercive control. If their ex increased the number of times he repeated this pattern and/or the name calling became more intense or hurtful, the yelling became louder and lasted longer, and the refusal to listen to anything she wanted to say may have turned into the silent treatment, this would be an increase in severity.

Here are other examples of emotional abuse: “Your ex created and enforced rules for everyday conduct.” “Your ex caused the sudden destruction or unexplained disappearance of familiar objects that had special meaning to you.” To review the 26 items in the Emotional Abuse checklist, you can find them in either the print or Kindle versions of “Eyes Wide Open: Help! with Control Freak Co-parents”.

If you are interested in training on the Coercive Control Tactics and Interpersonal Violence Assessment, there are several courses available through House of Peace Publications Virtual Training Center.

In peace until next time,

Dr. Debra

P.S. Find “Eyes Wide Open: Help! with Control Freak Co-parents” here

P.P.S. Look for courses at House of Peace Virtual Training Center

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